Aidyn is officially starting school on Friday. I am so torn over the prospect of him going...will he be okay? What if he gets picked on? What if another child won't share and he is left alone? What if he gets embarassed? But then again, what if he has the time of his life and loves it?
I know I am projecting my fears and anxiety concerning socialization and inclusion on a child of five. I know that he will be fine. But being my only child, and considering our history, I feel that him leaving for school is to a degree him leaving ME. Why should he grow up? Why should he want to do all those things that boys do...without their mothers? For some reason I always, dillusionally, of course, assumed that he would want to stay with me, learn from me...generally remain the shadow that he has been since that hot summer back in 2002. I almost felt like he had defected when he said that he wanted to go to school. We (read that as ME) had such grand plans for homeschooling...
I am not ready to move on to this next step in parenting. Aidyn was never, ever meant to be my only. But with all my fertility issues, he is very likely it. So, at 28 I am supposed to hang up my baby-mommy hat and start seperating myself. I feel like I am just getting geared up into the whole mommy lifestyle. With Chas and I's decision for me to stay home, and the seperation from the sadnesses of years ago, I am finally at a place that I can concentrate on being a mom. I can be that cookie baking, crafty project mom that all of us kids from the "mom has to work to feed us" generation craved growing up. And, no one needs me to do it.
I know that many say I should start thinking about things I need and want for myself. Here's my chance to take back the life that motherhood interrupted nearly six years ago. I could go back to school, get a job, essentially carve out a niche for me...for myself. No more huge sacrifices necessary. No more sleepless nights filled with bottles or a little body "in-between" in case mommy is needed in the night. But, guess what? I WANT TO BE A MOM. I don't want to go back to a 9-5 existence, with family being secondary to everything else. That is the life that some want and it is certainly that life that some have to have to get by. But I want to have more babies and concentrate on that role in my life.
I know I am selfish. I know that Aidyn has every right to have a mom that doesn't sigh and sniffle over putting his toddler Wiggles comforter away and putting the new, older, more grown-up boy Transformers one on his bed (that secretly his father covets and would love to have if I would only let him). I know that by concentrating on missing him as a little boy I am actually missing his transition into a little man. I am sure that I will lament that loss only too soon as well, when grows into a man. But for now, I am going to get through this next week and spend Friday afternoon bawling my eyes out after I drop him off and watch him leave ME for the rest of the whole, wide, wonderful world.
1 comment:
This was such a great and beautiful post! I don't think your selfish. I, too, tear up when I box up clothes that my boys outgrew. It's hard! It's so nice that there are other moms out there who still want MOM to be their life.
You wrote people would think you can get back to the life that was interrupted nearly 6 years ago. THAT is what gets me-how poeple have children and still see them as that "interruption".
It sure sounds like your son is lucky to have you for his mom!
So, how WAS your week?
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